Domestic violence is a choice - intentional and targeted. No excuses, no exceptions.
Recently, startling information about domestic abuse including statistics concerning the ratio of women abused and killed in Erie County was presented during a two-session training workshop with speakers from Haven House, Catholic Charities, the Diocesan Counseling Center, Diocesan Service Corps and the Women's Commission.
"All of them (abusers) are about limiting the victim's power and control," said Roberta Adams, director of Haven House, a secluded shelter for women and children seeking safety from domestic violence. "When a woman has a job and a career she has more self esteem and so a man will try to limit that," she said, adding men gain control by breaking down the woman's self esteem and personal power. Batterers are found in all classes and types of people: rich, poor, professional, unemployed, black, white, urban and rural. As many as 80 percent of batterers grew up in abusive households. One in three women are abused and more than 90 percent of all domestic abuse cases were against women, Adams' research indicates. Haven House describes domestic violence as "a pattern of coercive behavior whereby one individual in the relationship uses fear and intimidation to gain and sustain power and control over others in the relationship." That "coercive" behavior may include physical, emotional, psychological, economic or sexual abuse. Typically it is not an isolated incident, but a fixed imbalance of power created by the batterer over time. It doesn't always include physical abuse. While some behaviors are clearly criminal acts, others may be only abusive and controlling designed to instill intimidation and fear in the victim. Haven House research revealed adolescents involved in dating violence may be "predisposed to accept physical violence because of their exposure to it in their homes or in the media." The shelter identified several early warning signals of teens in abusive relationships as physical bruises or other signs of injury, truancy, failing, withdrawal from activities, dropping out of school, sudden or increased social isolation, difficulty making decision, use of alcohol or drugs, pregnancy and crying easily, getting hysterical or over reacting to minor incidents.
Fifty percent of abused women are regular participants at Church and yet only about 16 percent of them went to their parish priest for support.
"Abusers are very skilled manipulators," Fr. Jim Croglio of the Diocesan Counseling Center said. "They know the system and know what works. They will use scripture if it works to take power and control from the woman." He said the Bible and the Church do not tolerate spousal abuse.
"Domestic abuse breaks the marriage covenant," he said.
From A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women, by the U. S. Catholic Bishops, Fr. Croglio read, "The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, 'How do these violence acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?' The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. While violence can be directed towards men, it tends to harm women and children more."
"How can the Church create a safe place for these women? How can the Church meet the needs of the abused and hold the batterer accountable?" was the question Adams, Amy Fleischauer of the Diocesan Service Corps, Kathleen Heffern of Office Church Ministry, Camille Buckley of the Women's Commission and Fr. Croglio posed before the large gathering of clergy and lay assembled in the Catholic Center in late September.
"It is important for clergy and lay ministers to be knowledgeable of domestic violence to be able to help them," Buckley said.
The immediate goal is to get the victim and her children to safety, but sadly too often that simple objective is hard to meet because of the high level of fear victims usually have. Adams outlined four steps for crisis intervention:
Step 1: Identify the abuse by talking to her alone. Ask her directly, "Are you in a relationship where you have been physically hurt or threatened by your partner?"
Step 2: Validate her experience. Believe what the battered woman tells you and offer positive messages such as "You are not alone" and "You don't deserve this."
Step 3: Advocate for her safety and help her find a safe place to stay. Ask her if it's safe for her to go home. She may want to stay with a friend, family member or a shelter, and may need financial assistance, a job, a restraining order against the perpetrator, counseling or a support group. Write the phone number for Haven House on a piece of paper and give it to her. She may not go right away, but she'll keep that slip of paper for a future need.
Step 4: Support her unconditionally in her choices. Be there for her regardless if she chooses to go back to the batterer. She will need to know you are there for her when she leaves the next time. "Remember that for most battered women, leaving is a long and difficult process. Most battered women leave and return six to eight times before leaving for good," Adams said.
"We don't have to be domestic violence professionals. We just have to care," Fleischauer said. "Domestic violence is a choice. Men can always make the choice to change."
Unfortunately, batterers rarely, if ever, change.
Adams described three types of batterers. One is the entitled batterer who sees his wife and children as his property and is angry most of the time. The second is one who is genuinely ashamed of his behavior and takes responsibility for his behavior. The third is the person who says he wants to change makes some changes on the outside.
"The problem is it's impossible for us to tell the difference between the second and third type of batterers simply because they're just too good," Adams said.
Despite the promises to change offered by the two last types of batterers, there is little to no evidence that any changes are long lasting. The first type does not want to change and does not change. When a wife leaves a batterer, she is making a permanent decision because the batterer will abuse her again in the future if she should return.
"Even in men who went through Catholic Charities' 'Man-to-Man' program for batterers, there is no credible evidence of change," Fleischauer said. "In fact, often the abuse becomes worse and more intense."
"The hope is for the women to stay alive. We need to create a safe place for women to change their lives and we have to hold the men more accountable. We have to choose life," Adams said.
For information and / or help, call Catholic Charities at 856-4494, Haven House 24-hour hotline: at 884-6000, daytime: 886-6005; Crisis Services 24-hour hotline: 834-3131.